The Christian Woman's Guide to Letting go of a Toxic Mother.

Toxic mother-daughter relationships are not new, and more and more women are coming forward with their stories of the problematic relationships they have with their mothers. You might be able to relate to having difficulty with your mother. You didn’t imagine the hurt, it happened, and the way you feel is valid.

It might even be hard for you to admit that the relationship is toxic. It feels better to say you have a problematic relationship or not to speak of it, preferring to keep your feelings locked inside. It’s tough to own that the woman who should love you uses harmful behaviour to cause harm.

When you were young, it might be perceived as ‘discipline’, especially if you are from a culture where punitive measures like hitting are encouraged.

But as you grow and the measures have changed, she is now hitting with hard hurtful and degrading words. When the harsh words get accompanied by a Bible verse, it can be especially harmful emotionally and spiritually. It can be confusing because your mother, an authority figure, uses the Bible in her attempt to manipulate and control.

The control can be extensive and prolonged; that is why Christians stay longer in mother-daughter relationships without enforcing boundaries. When the toxicity gets wrapped in spiritual language, It’s harder to see. When someone uses religion as a weapon of manipulation and control, it’s harder to spot and easier to fall in line with what’s required. The person using the scriptures knows that, and that’s why they do it.

However, It can be challenging to break free from this tie and learn for yourself what the scriptures mean. It can also be testing to set boundaries with someone who used scriptures to prove why you shouldn’t

Guilt

You might experience guilt just at the thought of changing the relationship with your mother. You might hear the ideas and the verses she uses to hold you in position repeating in your mind, and they might cause you to either give in or give up on yourself. Guilt can be crippling. It can cause you to abandon yourself and give up any boundaries you have to keep you safe.

It might even seem offensive to some and disheartening to you that you need space from your mother. We are socialised to believe mothers should be protectors and nurturers; therefore, it can be confusing when they don’t fulfil these roles.

Creating distance might be challenging, but it’s necessary. Your peace and safety could depend on your ability to create boundaries that keep you safe.

Guilt might also come due to the involvement of others trying to fix the relationship between you and your mother. However, the issues between you are solely your mother’s problem that only she can heal. You are not responsible for her actions, nor should you try to excuse her behaviour.

Well-meaning church folks intervention could also influence guilt. They might judge you not Christian enough for daring to hold your mother responsible for her actions.

Likewise, your feelings are your problem. The anger and bitterness you feel are yours to heal. They are an indication that you were hurt and that you need to do something about fixing them.

Giving in to pressure and relaxing your boundaries will cause hurt. Unfortunately, you are responsible for that pain. It can be challenging to set limits, but they are necessary.

But you are not alone!

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Psalm 27:10

Just forgive

The people bent on fixing the relationship will try to use the principle of forgiveness to try to make you change your stance. In situations like this, the fixers won’t hold your mother accountable or require her to make any changes. It’s unlikely that they understand the dynamics of a toxic relationship and might also burden you with Bible serves such as ‘Children obey your parents.’

The people pressing for forgiveness usually miss an essential piece; forgiveness doesn’t mean the person becomes safe and won’t repeat the abusive behaviour.

If you decide to forgive, remember that you don’t also have to relax your boundaries. Test the behaviour to ensure their good change before you remove the safeguards you have to protect yourself.

Your reputation

Toxic mothers will try to get people on their side by sharing a story that littered with lies. Don’t be tempted to fix the inaccuracies. It’s a trap. Find a safe space to process how you feel about the deceptions but don’t fall into the snare of repairing your reputation by defending yourself against the stories.

It’s not possible. The lies change with each person she speaks to and might grow in intensity depending on the mood.

Sometimes a toxic person will use lies to get you into a cycle of negative communication. However, in these cases, choosing silence produces better results. Silence lowers your stress, keeps you grounded in your truth, and gives you time to decide what to do next.

Nevertheless, I can understand the idea of fixing your reputation. We are programmed to want to defend ourselves. That’s why you might feel an overwhelming need to phone around and address the stories. However, be prepared to live with the fact that there several kinds of people out there. Some will believe because they want to, and others won’t. Try to be content with the truth, hold it close to you and allow that to guide you.

Find safe spaces where your truth is repeated to you often. Areas where you can go to offload and get encouragement and support.

No contact is not unchristian.

Christians like to view a boundary as unchristian or evidence that you haven’t forgiven. However, neither is true. Every healthy relationship has limits. If yours are being ignored and not respected, it is within your rights to create distance to keep you safe.

Letting go of a toxic mother will take time and energy. You will need a safe, secure place to process and make sense of feelings. You might also need to unlearn many negative messages and acquire the tools to cultivate a positive mindset and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

Having a difficult mother is not an easy truth to own, but let truth guide you. It will set you free.