Love Matters: Ideas to help heal broken attachment.
They were six weeks premature and after many hours in labour: morphine and two doses of epidural, I met twin one at 2 am and twin 20 minutes later.
I admit I have a low pain threshold, so I decided that giving birth to twins naturally would need more than Rosemary tea.
The next day I was settled in the ward, getting ready to ease myself into mom life when one of the doctors came with news. She said something about my daughter being ill and taken to a particular unit.
Several things happened simultaneously.
- I Hated the doctor who took my baby. I know it’s unreasonable, but at the time it seems a pretty natural normal response to the events unfolding before me.
- I panicked ‘would she die’ myself protecting strategies kicked in. I started grieving my baby. That had enormous implications for attachment, which I will discuss later. She was in hospital for three weeks, and I cried for the first seven years of her life.
- Finally, I was in shock, and therefore my usual inquisitiveness didn’t come through. I had no questions though several tumbled through my mind.
Something else happened that day although I didn’t know the name until years later.
Disrupted attachment
Though I didn’t know the name, I knew how I felt, and I didn’t like it. There weren’t many openings to talk with others about it, shame kept me silent, and I struggled alone.
I felt shame because I thought attachment was natural for women, and if I couldn’t, I would fall short of the standard of womanhood.
I fought through feeding and changing choosing to do these task as opposed to allowing anyone else to do them. For me, food and changing weren’t just tasks; they were essential activities that help us bond.
I didn’t know whether my efforts were making a difference until seven years later, when I learnt about biological development, and I exhaled.
I changed my approach from doing to studying. I learnt about my daughters’ likes and dislikes. I identify love language and do those things that could connect with her heart.
Every time she calls ‘Mom can I talk to you’ and we go in her room and close the door I thank God that the decision I made to be her friend was paying off.
The journey to connection hasn’t always been comfortable. I struggled with guilt and self-recriminations. Self-blame showed up when I do normal mom things, and I beat myself for getting it wrong.
I learnt that attachment takes work, but the rewards are life-changing.
Years later, my supervisor recommended ‘help me love my child’ an old BBC documentary. As I watched, I realised that there are people who understand this struggle. Attachment is not automatic and several things could harm the connection.
The ideas below can help foster a long-term relationship with children of any age.
1. Increase availability
Our presence can be calming and reassuring. Make time together screen-free and resist the urge to check messages or catch up on social media.
2. Listen deeper
Give them a feeling of being heard.
Think about what it feels like for you when you know someone understands you on that deep level. Think about the last time someone gets you, and you did not have to explain or defend self. Remember the sense of relief that you felt.
Giving children a felt sense that you understand them will help in repairing any broken places in the relationship. Ask questions to clarify any misunderstanding.
Listen for the hurt tone, look for specific facial expression and respond to the hurt reflected. Commenting on tone, facial expression and the injury gives a feeling of acceptance even when exhibiting emotions that might be difficult to handle. E.g. ‘You sound angry when you said….., I wonder if we could talk about it.’
Additionally, summarising your understanding of what was said. For example, here’s what I got from what you said.’
Check-in with them to make sure you understand what they are trying to communicate.
Sometimes this might be challenging if you are unhappy with the decisions they make.
Check what you understood.
Idea:
‘I don’t understand, but maybe you could tell me more.’
3. Acceptance
Sometimes as parents, we can be hard on ourselves, especially at those times when we feel like we made a mistake or we broke a promise we made to ourselves or the child.
Practising acceptance will help you look at the bigger picture, and you have another opportunity to try again. Forgive yourself and try again.
Forgiveness teaches self-compassion and empathy, which are essential elements for connection.
It is easy to be hard on self when we feel we’ve ‘messed’ up as parents. You can repair this by shifting to a more supportive stance.
Idea
• Offer self-empathy
• Share with your spouse how you feel about what happened
• Accept support and encouragement from others
4. Give and receive forgiveness
Accepting an apology is essential in repairing broken places in any relationship. The disconnection between parent and child is just as crucial, and forgiveness can help to heal many wounds.
Notice your usual stance when hurt. Do you withdraw into silence, shout or resort to punishment.
Asking for forgiveness is also essential in repairing disconnection, e.g. ‘I am sorry for shouting’ be sure to take responsibility for your loss of control.
Idea
Model the behaviour you would like the children to exhibit. E.g. ‘I lost control; there’s no excuse for it, please forgive me?’
5. Play together
Try to do something that they like
How comfortable are you with playing? It’s a useful tool for building relationships with our children. Making room for playing could increase togetherness and build trust.
What is one activity that you can do that doesn’t include screen time?
Idea
Outdoor activity such as hiking, biking, sports
