Help Me Love My Child

You are happy to be pregnant and looking forward to the birth of your brand new baby. You enjoyed the shopping and all the activities associated with welcoming your bundle of joy into the world. However, the baby’s arrival doesn’t flood you with the emotions that they show in the movies and are different from other mothers’ experiences in the books you read.

We assume that as mothers, we have an innate ability to live with our children and experience a deep connection with them. We think the bond is automatic, and we are deficient if we struggle. Most women desire this bond, But many are unable to love their children.

The reason a woman will struggle to love her child is complex, and there are no easy solutions to this problem. One of the things that could be wrong is the trauma experienced early in life manifests itself in the relationship between mother and child.

The truth is our trauma doesn’t sometimes show itself until confronted with the probability of connecting with another person, whether through marriage or having a child.

Early childhood trauma can impact life into adulthood — early trauma impact decision making, self-image, how we function in relationships, among other things. However, We usually don’t think about how these traumas impact our ability to connect and perform in our roles as parents.

In this article, I will share three things you can do if you are struggling to love your child.

Do you first

In an emergency, put your safety equipment on first. This an emergency, and attending to you will help you care for others. Sometimes a mother’s instinct is to do the children first.

At present, shame might be directing your actions. You might fall into this trap if you are struggling to love your child, then more activities will help you feel those elusive emotions.

Shame might also be directing your thoughts and efforts to get help. You might struggle to share this secret with anyone.

Stop any actions that you are doing and try these first. Doing you first means getting help for what might be causing you not to be able to love. Admitting that you have a problem takes honesty with yourself. The ability to do self-reflection without self-hate or self-condemnation takes skill and training.

If you struggle to do a self-reflection on your own or not sure of the points to consider, the help of a trusted friend or a therapist can help you to begin that process.

Ask questions, investigate answers, and follow up on leads so that you can get to know yourself. Your ability to love your child is embedded inside your story.

It didn’t start with you.

The inability of adults to connect with their children existed long before you and will likely continue after you. The way we connect with others is a prototype. This problem existed before you and will continue in your children if this doesn’t get addressed.

It started with how your parents connected with you and how theirs connected with them. Attachment patterns persist even after the child is away from caregivers and continues into adulthood. What you got in terms of attachment was a prototype of how you will do relationships throughout your life. The good news is, attachment wounds can heal.

As you investigate, one crucial question to ask is ‘what is my prototype’? What happened in my home? What was the relationship between myself and my caregivers?

Identifying your attachment pattern and getting help to heal any injuries will go a long way in helping you to unlock the problem of learning to love your child.

Therapy can help

The thought of getting help might be embarrassing and daunting. Perhaps shame stopped you from sharing your concerns with anyone. Sometimes guilt can be so pervasive it even dictates how you interact with the problem internally. For example, you might battle with the temptation to continue ignoring the problem while suffering in shame, guilt and not enoughness.

The temptation to comparing yourself with other women is a trap that will bury you in uncomfortable feelings. Depending on your child’s age, the relationship might start to show the strain of lack of connection, and your negative thoughts act as a barrier to any happiness.

The challenge then is to not burrow further down in isolation and fear the key that will help you unlock the problem of how to lovelies in your ability to share and get support.

Love is not a feeling. It’s a decision that we make daily; therefore, not everyone knows how to decide, especially when challenging.

• You are dealing with trauma memories. These might be incidents experienced in childhood that is beginning to surface.
• You are understanding and trying to heal your attachment injuries. You discover that you experienced neglect, abandonment or lack of emotional connection with caregivers. You might struggle with anger, fear, anxiety, self-loathing and aggression. These are also signs of attachment issues. The help of a qualified therapist will help you begin to heal and move forward.
• You are dealing with relationship difficulties. Sometimes women who experience abuse find it difficult to deal with the abuse and be available for emotional connection with their children. The needs of the abuser and the fight to keep the relationship going can overtake any other requirements.
• You are dealing with life or health challenges. Many things can preoccupy the thoughts and take the attention and affections away from a connection. These can happen for a long time before the women identify that there’s a problem.

You must give yourself grace as you learn how to understand and heal the underlying reasons you struggle to love your child.

A therapist can help you to understand the deeper issues and find a solution. You can learn to begin to love in actions and experience the emotion that goes with the activities.